I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i drank out of a bidet.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
