this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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