he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
