Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
