So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
