I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
