those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
