did you get engaged???
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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