TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize