your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
