shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
