I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
