I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
