I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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