I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
