Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
