i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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