is your mom at the bar?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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