I bet he comes in French.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
