That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
