xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
