Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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