when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
