You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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