Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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