that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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