before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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