I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
