Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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