I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I supernannyed him into submission
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
