She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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