he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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