God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
