Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
