I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize