So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
