she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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