this beer tastes like vomit already
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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