worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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