Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So apparently I’m into choking now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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