he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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