I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
