Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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