Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
