I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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