did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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