i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
