I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
