I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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