hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
