I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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