I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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