cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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