There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
