I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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